Columbus, OH, USA

New Year Thoughts, 2.22.22

Happy new year! Yes, I am very aware that we are well into 2022 at this point, but truthfully speaking, my new year doesn't officially begin until the start of Spring Equinox. March is my birth month. In fact, my birthday is two days after the start of Spring season, so for me, that's when things really begin to feel anew.

You know, I miss blogging - sort of. I've also realized that the more I allow time to pass without actually doing it, the more I begin to hate referring to it as blogging. I need to come up with a different word for it. I revisit this site quite often. I used to feel bad about not updating it regularly, but these days, I'm not too rigid about those kinds of things. I've officially arrived at the chapter of my life titled Do What Feels Good When It Feels Good. I'm no longer forcing anything.

Speaking of my upcoming birthday, I will be turning 48! I know, I can't believe it either. I really want to take a solo trip somewhere. I just need three good days in a warm climate near beautiful blue water, palm trees, unlimited food and drinks, and seclusion from all the noise - literally and figuratively. 

Sometimes, you just need a break. In a beautiful place. Alone. To figure everything out. 

Currently, I'm navigating quite a bit of grief. My uncle passed away this past Saturday. It still doesn't feel real. Our last conversation was during the height of the pandemic, and the text exchange between us was really sweet. I'm thankful to have never deleted it (I'm quick to clear out text messages from my phone because I hate clutter). I will miss him dearly. He was a funny old man. And if losing him wasn't painful enough, not even 48 hours later, his ex-partner, who had been in his life for well over 35ish years, and the mother of his youngest child, passed away. It's such a major blow for the family. I feel especially hurt for my cousin. I couldn't imagine losing both of my parents days apart. That would end me. I am praying for her strength. The whole family's strength. It's heavy right now. I've been trying to find reasons to smile throughout the past few days, but truthfully, it's been hard. Grief is a tricky thing. One minute you're going on with your day as normal, and the next, you're drowning in a puddle of tears. Navigating those waters isn't easy. It never is.

Back to this blogging stuff...what I'd ultimately love to do with this space is turn it solely into a visual diary, sharing more photos and less words. In fact, no words at all. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, but my ability to second-guess everything I do has hindered me from bringing my visions to life. I've purchased a couple more film cameras since I was last on this here site, and I'm still trying to create magic with them. It's been a struggle. There have been a few great results, but mostly, those rolls have been a bust. Film photography is an expensive hobby, and with the recent price increase for film (specifically Kodak Portra 400), it's gotten a bit discouraging to want to practice. The spark is still there. I love the look of film more than digital these days. I'm talking OBSESSED. So I must keep pushing.

 I'm so in love with the idea of capturing the mundane moments of everyday life through film and digital. There is such beauty in that style of photography, and I'd love to start documenting more of my own daily life through photos. The problem is, I'm super self-critical and sometimes feel like my photos aren’t "great enough." Taking photos has been a consistent passion of mine since the mid 2000s but somehow, I still feel like I haven't leveled up. 

Those negative thoughts are what's holding me back, and I need to have a long talk with myself because I know that's just not true. But, what is true is that I do need to push myself past my comfort zone. Once that happens, you won't be able to tell me shit. And I say that with confidence. But, I digress. 

A visual diary, a la Lizzy Hadfield. I'm pretty sure I've spoken fondly about Lizzy on this blog before. I've been following her on social media for about four years. The way she documents her daily life is so insanely good, so effortless; however, the key to doing this and doing it well is always, and I mean always having your camera on you when you leave the house. Lizzy never goes anywhere without her camera.

But the most important thing is to not be afraid to take photos in public when you're alone. I've touched on that before too, and I am still working through that (yes, I know. I'm slow with change). You really have to talk yourself out of thinking you'll look goofy, and just DO IT. You can't think too much about what everyone else is thinking of you. Nine times out of ten, most people aren't even paying attention to you. And knowing all this, there is still some fear there, for me. But, I am slowly coming around. With the weather breaking soon, I will make yet another promise to myself and go outside this year to explore, and get comfortable being out of my comfort zone. 

Well, I promised myself that I'd stop writing at 10:00pm, and it is now 10:11pm, so I think I'll end this here. Not sure when the next update will be, but I'll try not to let a whole year go by without checking in with this place.

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