Ohio, USA

My Camera Just Wants To Be Loved: A Memoir

I need to deepen my relationship with my cameras.

Specifically my vintage film camera.

Film photos have been my absolute favorite to admire these days. I'm so inspired by imagery captured with film cameras; there's just something so authentic about them. For years, Lizzy Hadfield has really been inspiring me a great deal with her film photos, not just by how simplistic and lovely they are, but the fact that she is so consistent at documenting her daily life. She reminds me a bit of myself in a sense - she's a single gal who lives alone, and is kind of a homebody (but apparently will venture outdoors way more than I'd care to). I truly believe there is beauty and magic in documenting the world as seen through your eyes. She takes photos everyday. Whether she's inside her home or out roaming the streets of London, she is never without her camera close by. That's my ultimate goal. To document something, anything, every single day. Something that I will be proud of.

There are so many things I visualize myself capturing with my cameras (digitally, as well as the old fashioned way), but I can't seem to get out of my own way to actually make it happen. I pick up my digital camera a lot in my apartment, and take quite a bit of photos, but honestly, they're all beginning to look the same. I need to push myself creatively, just a bit more. I really wish that I had a photography buddy here in Columbus who I could meet up with and snap photos while simultaneously exploring parts of the city that are still very foreign to me. I've been living in this city for almost five years and have yet to fully venture out the way I'd like. You can blame Generalized Anxiety Disorder for that. Being an introvert gets in the way too. It's funny; I LOVE doing things alone, but for some strange reason, leaving the house with a camera strapped across my chest, driving to a photographic destination, and actually taking photos in public feels like a lot of effort - and courage. What the hell am I afraid of? Perhaps "afraid" isn't the most accurate word here. It's part fear, part discomfort. Fear of being so hard on myself if I don't like the way a photo turns out, and being so disappointed that it would cause me to never want to pick up the camera again, to just not feeling truly comfortable shooting in public by myself on a consistent basis.

Sure, having a photography buddy would make this hobby a hell of a lot easier to fully dive into, but I have taken photographs alone in public before, so that isn't solely the issue. I think it's just a matter of stepping so far out of my comfort zone that I will want to do it regardless of if someone is hanging out with me or not. THAT is the point I am trying to reach. I've never been one to depend on people for anything I've ever wanted (or needed) to do, so why should this be any different? This is something I truly love and want to get better at, just for my sincere satisfaction. Plus, I have multiple rolls of film that I purchased almost a year ago that need to be used sooner rather than later. But then - here we are - amidst a freaking global pandemic. Regardless, I am going to hold myself accountable.

Photo by Daria Shevtsova 

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